What are breakdowns good for?

photo by WHL photos, Flikr

photo by WHL photos, Flikr

Howdy! I just realized I haven’t written a post for a whole month. Well, honestly, I wasn’t really inspired to write. And I made my own rules which is actually only one – THE RULE: “Do just what you are inspired about.” Not to look good, not to prove something, just to feel good. I have to FEEL GOOD. This is the only rule.

At the end of January I had a MASSIVE breakdown with my mother, which lead to that I was completly down, with no energy, with no lust to do anything. Only thing I was aware of, when I was crawling back to my usual energy level was, that the breakdown is good for something – you know, it always is. So in short – my mother is still telling me how to live (I guess all mothers want the best for their children) and she is doing that because she thinks that somewhere in the past she did something wrong when raising me up – so I turned out like this (real spiritual weirdo 😉 ). I am not married, I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have children, every few weeks I travel in London or somewhere else, I am telling her about the Law of Attraction and my self development findings ….so not really somebody who my mother expected me to be when I’ll grow up. And therefore she was pressing and pressing until I broke down…..

Oh yes, still I was blaming her, until I just remembered that people around us, our reallity is just MIRRORING back to us, what is going inside. We are 100% responsible for what we create! Oh boy – I was still beating myself up because I didn’t turned up as I supposed to ( you know that voice in your head – which doesn’t disapear – although you travel faaaaaaaaar away from home?). Ok. So – what to do?

First I saw that I have to create a boundary – that I have to love myself enough to not let ANYBODY – even my mother to cross that boundary. I was angry and sad because of our quarrels already before, but never really serious about saying NO. I was telling my self: “This is my mother after all….”  But if this would be my friend, you know s(he) wouldn’t be my friend any longer. So I said: “It doesn’t matter, my mother or not, I will not allow that anymore.” My decision was really serious, I was prepared to stop talking with her and completely stop visiting her. And when you are serious, other people simply just feel that (oh yes, they do). At some point during this breakdown I remembered an analogy with what is happening to me – for at least 10 years I was like woman who is living in abusive relationships and doesn’t have a power to end it and leave it.

This was – oh boy – didn’t feel good – to say NO to my mother – but it was essential for what happened later. We feel so much guilt and obligation towards our parents although I don’t know the real foundations for that. This is  what our society is telling us, this is expected! Yes they gave me my life and I am grateful for that. But we weren’t born to this world to live by the expectation of our parents, neither to take care for them or feeling guilty for what is happening to them.

Soooooooo, after two weeks of really no or some hostile communication with my mom, I left for London on the 11th of February. I said: “Ok, after all – my plane might fall down – so let’s tell mom that I am going, so she will not be surprised.” 😀 I told myself: ” I accept myself exactly as I am and as I am not and I accept my mother exactly as she is and she is not.” I threw away all expectations what this call might be like and I called her from let’s say – NOTHING, from ZERO point, from where ANYTHING is possible. ANYTHING means also something EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD.

After getting myself in such state of mind – I was blown away about how EXCEPTIONALLY AUTHENTIC this call was. How this call was upleveled from anything I knew before. My mother had a breakthrough and I had a breakthrough – she was telling me how she feels, I was telling her what I am feeling, where I am going, why I am going in London, that I am devoted to self-development and this is something what I am looking forward to make living from in the future. When we finished the call, she called me back and said: ” What I forgot to tell you is, that I really LOVE you.” I was moved, touched and inspired (you have to know that this isn’t something what my mother would say regularly, in fact I heard this in my adult years maybe twice, last one included). Although you know somewhere deep inside, that she loves you, it is so good to HEAR it. Ah, how good can things possibly become from now on?

Still I am determined, that I will not let anybody cross the boundaries I set anymore, even not my mother. I am my biggest fan, my biggest protector and my biggest lover – who else will be if not me? And you know – like attracts like 😉

I had fabulous time in London, met some new exciting people from Slovenia and tommorow we are meeting for dinner (now we are all back at home of course). And inspiration came back!

The intention of this post was to tell you that every breaktrough has its opposite side, which usually causes the breakthrough. It is called breakdown. So – whenever you have a breakdown, be suspicios, because there is something to learn from it.

CheerS! XO

Barbara

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What is your word of the year?


word stones, adams schoolhouse, Flickr

The beginning of the year was really busy and successful in all areas. As every beginning of the year we are tempted to do New Year’s resolutions. We read about the resolutions everywhere. And every time I’ve thought of making a resolution I didn’t feel really inspired. I devoted quite some time thinking, why this is so. The way I did them in the past meant something finite, usually in form of huge, non-realistic goals. If I didn’t achieve them, I felt bad. And I don’t like feeling bad at all. Feeling bad can not manifest good things. You know that already. 🙂

Then I stumbled across the Cristine Kane blog, which suggests to find your word of the year. I sat down, closed my eyes and wait for few minutes. The word which came, was SURRENDER. And not in the sense to give up, but to SURRENDER TO LIFE, LET GO…..With that word in my mind I looked at each an every of my so called issues and see how with surrender I can let go of particular attachement, surrender to the current of life, unstuck my self, where I was stuck. I used my word of the year everytime I felt worrried, didn’t know what to do, when thinking too much about certain things, when afraid, what the next moment will bring…

After using my word of the year for a while the real New Year’s resolution appeared: LIVE TO YOUR FULL POTENTIAL. That striked me like somebody would give me an acceleration kick in the butt. 😀 What this would be like? Living to my full potential?

And you know what? The combination of SURRENDER and LIVE TO YOUR FULL POTENTIAL brought new painting, total clarity and concept for my business web page, taking a leadership role in a small group…..These are potentials which are lying in me, why not to use them, have fun creating new things and making a difference with them in the world?

And most of all, surrender meant letting go of the past, letting go of the future, living for the moment, expect every moment will bring something exciting, something I love. I trust in that and know it will be so. I am falling in love with my life, with me….. and it feels so damn GOOD!

What is your word of the year? Give it a try. It’s easy: sit down, close your eyes and wait. It will come. Let the word guide you through the year. What my word already did for me in this year, is huge! And looking forward to more!

For all who would like to explore more about the word of the year, the link to Christine Kane’s pdf worksheet is here.

I would really love to hear what is your word of the year. Please share your experience.

With love,

Barbara

You are amazing just the way you are!

I bet you enter many conversations in which people are pointing at themselves or others with: »I have to lose weight.« »I am too…that and too this.«» My this is too big and my that is too small.« Do you? Implicit to every such conversation is that »there is something wrong with me/you« – regardless you are a man or a woman.

Sure I was there too. Until lately, when I discovered, how judgmental I am, not just towards others – especially towards myself.

I have to do that and that… than I will be ok. I should be like that and that… than I might be ok. And although I could made every and each of shoulda, woulda, coulda, it continues like wicious cycle. I’m never ok.

Beating ourselves, because we are not like our friend, neigbour, coworker, father, mother, because we don’t have big titles, a lot of money, bodies as models featured in fashion magazines or whatever is your perception of success and looking good, doesn’t serve us well.

Comparing yourself with anybody other than yourself is counterproductive. You, your progress on your personal journey is the only thing that counts. Are you more confident today than you were two years ago? Is your self – respect today on higher level than it was decades ago? Are you earning more money than you did in the past? Have you better support net and closer relationships to your beloved as months ago? Are you better at articulating your feelings and needs today than two weeks ago?

If your answer to any of these questions is yes, than you HAVE to be proud. On yourself. A nice tap on the shoulder and congratulations.

This is the only thing it counts. And a way which brings you happiness.

Are you able to love your belly, your nose, your head with hair running away from it, your lovely rounded back, your O shaped legs, your scars, your »flaws«? When you’ll be able to embrace every and each part of you – physical and non – physical – with love, kindness and respect, the miracles in your life will start to unfold.

Love inside – love outside. Are you still looking for the love on all the wrong places?

I am telling you: »You are amazing just the way you are!«

Start loving yourself today – it is never to late… step by step – you will transform your life from inside out.

This lovely inspiration for today’s post goes to Bruno Mars’ song – which I hear on the radio quite often lately. Thank you for the kind reminder, Universe!

 

 

I said NO and I loved it!

Jorge Vidal: Woman with heart

How many times are you doing things because you think:

  1. It is appropriate.
  2. Other think it is appropriate.
  3. To please others.
  4. Because of social agreements ( for example: wanting a child, because this is socially required?).
  5. Other said to do it.
  6. You don’t know why…

 

And how many times are you doing things because:

  1. You really like it.
  2. You listen to Yourself.
  3. You can not resist not doing it.

 

The later is called inspired action. And sometimes inspired actions looks like saying: »No, I will not go to the party, beacuse I just don’t feel to.« Sometimes inspired action looks like taking a nap, getting our peace in solitude, listening to our favourite music or playing with our pet.

Start listening to your inner wisdom, to your inner voice, respecting your feelings and not walking all over them just because it is not appropriate (you might think so) to show that you are sad, angry, anxious and that you don’t agree with what was said.

I did this on Friday – I was invited on my friend’ s birthday party and was feeling like staying at home and having some peaceful evening with a book. I stood up for what I was really feeling and expressed it authentically (although they tried to convince me though ). Today I am so proud, that I did this. I respected my feelings. I got my peace and everybody is happy.

Before I discovered the Law of Attraction and power of Self-Love I would do anything to please others , because somewhere deeply inside I was afraid I will be perceived as not good enough, not worthy of love, bad and ugly.

The first person who has to respect Yourself is YOU. And once, you start respecting Yourself, others will follow. The relationship with Yourself is reflected in all your »outer« relationships.

Like attracts like.

 

XOXO

 

p.s. and voice on the radio was singing: »Girl, you are amazing just the way you are.«

 

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