What are breakdowns good for?

photo by WHL photos, Flikr

photo by WHL photos, Flikr

Howdy! I just realized I haven’t written a post for a whole month. Well, honestly, I wasn’t really inspired to write. And I made my own rules which is actually only one – THE RULE: “Do just what you are inspired about.” Not to look good, not to prove something, just to feel good. I have to FEEL GOOD. This is the only rule.

At the end of January I had a MASSIVE breakdown with my mother, which lead to that I was completly down, with no energy, with no lust to do anything. Only thing I was aware of, when I was crawling back to my usual energy level was, that the breakdown is good for something – you know, it always is. So in short – my mother is still telling me how to live (I guess all mothers want the best for their children) and she is doing that because she thinks that somewhere in the past she did something wrong when raising me up – so I turned out like this (real spiritual weirdo 😉 ). I am not married, I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have children, every few weeks I travel in London or somewhere else, I am telling her about the Law of Attraction and my self development findings ….so not really somebody who my mother expected me to be when I’ll grow up. And therefore she was pressing and pressing until I broke down…..

Oh yes, still I was blaming her, until I just remembered that people around us, our reallity is just MIRRORING back to us, what is going inside. We are 100% responsible for what we create! Oh boy – I was still beating myself up because I didn’t turned up as I supposed to ( you know that voice in your head – which doesn’t disapear – although you travel faaaaaaaaar away from home?). Ok. So – what to do?

First I saw that I have to create a boundary – that I have to love myself enough to not let ANYBODY – even my mother to cross that boundary. I was angry and sad because of our quarrels already before, but never really serious about saying NO. I was telling my self: “This is my mother after all….”  But if this would be my friend, you know s(he) wouldn’t be my friend any longer. So I said: “It doesn’t matter, my mother or not, I will not allow that anymore.” My decision was really serious, I was prepared to stop talking with her and completely stop visiting her. And when you are serious, other people simply just feel that (oh yes, they do). At some point during this breakdown I remembered an analogy with what is happening to me – for at least 10 years I was like woman who is living in abusive relationships and doesn’t have a power to end it and leave it.

This was – oh boy – didn’t feel good – to say NO to my mother – but it was essential for what happened later. We feel so much guilt and obligation towards our parents although I don’t know the real foundations for that. This is  what our society is telling us, this is expected! Yes they gave me my life and I am grateful for that. But we weren’t born to this world to live by the expectation of our parents, neither to take care for them or feeling guilty for what is happening to them.

Soooooooo, after two weeks of really no or some hostile communication with my mom, I left for London on the 11th of February. I said: “Ok, after all – my plane might fall down – so let’s tell mom that I am going, so she will not be surprised.” 😀 I told myself: ” I accept myself exactly as I am and as I am not and I accept my mother exactly as she is and she is not.” I threw away all expectations what this call might be like and I called her from let’s say – NOTHING, from ZERO point, from where ANYTHING is possible. ANYTHING means also something EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD.

After getting myself in such state of mind – I was blown away about how EXCEPTIONALLY AUTHENTIC this call was. How this call was upleveled from anything I knew before. My mother had a breakthrough and I had a breakthrough – she was telling me how she feels, I was telling her what I am feeling, where I am going, why I am going in London, that I am devoted to self-development and this is something what I am looking forward to make living from in the future. When we finished the call, she called me back and said: ” What I forgot to tell you is, that I really LOVE you.” I was moved, touched and inspired (you have to know that this isn’t something what my mother would say regularly, in fact I heard this in my adult years maybe twice, last one included). Although you know somewhere deep inside, that she loves you, it is so good to HEAR it. Ah, how good can things possibly become from now on?

Still I am determined, that I will not let anybody cross the boundaries I set anymore, even not my mother. I am my biggest fan, my biggest protector and my biggest lover – who else will be if not me? And you know – like attracts like 😉

I had fabulous time in London, met some new exciting people from Slovenia and tommorow we are meeting for dinner (now we are all back at home of course). And inspiration came back!

The intention of this post was to tell you that every breaktrough has its opposite side, which usually causes the breakthrough. It is called breakdown. So – whenever you have a breakdown, be suspicios, because there is something to learn from it.

CheerS! XO

Barbara

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. aquatom1968
    Feb 25, 2011 @ 21:32:17

    Hi Barbara, I’m pleased to hear that you have your inspiration back, and that you and your mother have got through your issue.

    I’m seeing that there is something to learn from every situation, although sometimes we can not see what that something is!

    Great post! 🙂

    Reply

    • kosmobarbara
      Feb 26, 2011 @ 21:18:36

      Thank you Tom! Yes, absolutely – usually when we are in a breakdown, we don’t see the good it brings with it…. but when we after a while look back, we see how we developed personally also because of that.

      Reply

  2. William
    Feb 26, 2011 @ 20:05:20

    Lovely contribution, wonderful webpage design, maintain the good work

    Reply

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